My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
