i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
