today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
