i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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