I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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