OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
you never un-have a 4some
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
