I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
