I think I died a long time ago.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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