highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
