Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
