I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
