I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
