The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
