I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
