youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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