I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
