Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i can't believe i had my finger in that
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
