take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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