rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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