Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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