he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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