Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
