if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
