A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
