You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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