Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
