i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
