please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
