Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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