He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
