FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Randomize
