i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
