The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
