my phone needs a breathalizer
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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