This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
