then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
