She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
