I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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