if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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