How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
