He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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