I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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