I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
