i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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