Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
