You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
