just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
