Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
