i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
