My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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