legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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